Week Four Recap

The cravings snuck back in this week…like wham-pow!  I really wanted fajitas a couple of times and then chocolate.  I think I said the word cupcake to someone at least seven different times in a conversation.  At my WW meeting, my weight stayed the same.  Fine.  Whatever.  I have these mixed emotions of stress, sadness and confusion around some situations going on in my personal life–family, divorce, work, school, etc.  This wasn’t helping this week at all.  I didn’t give in.  I control this mind and this body.

…And that is exactly it.  I am in control of what I eat, what I say, what I do and who I am.  Letting go of that renders me useless to myself.  Trying to control things outside of myself will also be a losing battle.  One that I am not willing to fight.  Realizing this, I know that the last two days of this challenge will not be the last two days of my weight loss journey–although the focus of the Whole 30 is not weight loss, it’s resetting your cellular health and cutting all the crap out of your body in order to heal it.

The thing is that during this 30 days, my mind has healed a little bit too.  I don’t need to eat because I’m frustrated with my mother.  I don’t need to eat because I’m bored.  I don’t need to eat because something tastes good.  I also don’t need to eat because a craving pops into my head.

Now for the next two days…

Day 23!

Well, with math and all, I have seven more days to go!  My body still feels tired, my neck aches, and my cravings reappear at the oddest times.  I thought last week was a little willy-nilly with the preparedness, but this week is way worse.  I grilled some meat this weekend, but made no sides, no salads for lunches and I pared down the grocery shopping quite a bit due to money constraints.  I’m overwhelmed by the messiness of my house and the clingy-ness of a one year old who won’t let me clean because it means I have to pay attention to something other than him.  (If you know a single mother, offer to watch her kid at her house for a few hours to give her an opportunity to clean.)

Last night, I forced myself to put Dean in his stroller and go for a run.  I redid my half marathon training calendar yesterday and even though that program doesn’t start for a few weeks, I need to not let all the progress of the 5k I just did fall by the wayside, so at least 30 minutes twice a week with one long run is necessary for my later success.  I am doing a warm up and then running in five minute intervals with a one minute walk break.  This helps my knees, which still feel funny during all the impact.  A few weeks ago, running for five minutes at time felt like it was never going to happen, but its gotten easier, or at least more manageable.  My mile times have gotten lower, but I’d like to get down to a 10 minute mile average pace by the time the Houston half rolls around in October.  If I can get down to 12 while pushing Dean around, I will feel pretty awesome about life regardless.

I have been thinking a lot about what life will look like after my Whole 30 is over.  I know that I cannot live on plain iced coffee alone.  I need sugar.  Not a lot, but some.  I need bread.  Not everyday, but every once in a while.  I need chocolate.  At least once a week.  Definitely before my period, or I will rip someone’s head off.  I am going to keep all naughty foods out of the house and grocery shop as though I’m on a  Whole 313.  That means that I will allow myself a cheat day once a week—not one whole day, but one meal out–just one meal, not three.  I will calendar these ahead of time and they will not be fast food or junk food.  A trip to the cupcake place counts as one meal.  A trip to the ice cream shop counts as one meal.  I will eat clean for the rest of this day.  This will be manageable for me.  I can go to Mexican food and order paleo and really unless my nana comes back from the dead to make tamales or homemade tortillas, this is okay.  I don’t really like beans and rice anyways—but fajita and shredded beef with guacamole on top–delicious.

The more I think about this past 23 days, the more I realize that I CHOSE to get the way that I did.  I ate to keep people from getting close to me.  It was my defense mechanism.  It was my emotional crutch to be fat.  It gave me an excuse to not do things, to not be available and to be focused on things other than what I needed to actually be doing.  My weight loss commitment this year has been hard.  I have lost 41 lbs. since December 26 when I joined Weight Watchers.  I set a goal one day while looking at my little boy watch me eat a McDonald’s hamburger.  I thought, “I would never feed you this because its horrible for you” and then thought, “why the hell am I eating this?”  With that in mind, I continue to strive towards that goal and am on track to meet it.  Has the Whole 30 changed my life?  Probably not because as a fat person wanting to lose weight, I’ve read every diet book on the market and actually knew what the “forbidden foods” did to my body.  What it has done is focus my energy on eating whole, non-processed foods mindfully without the distractions of cheats and treats.  Not having the allowance to substitute a paleo cookie for a non-paleo cookie has made me question my body’s need for the cookie in the first place.  The answer is clear, my body doesn’t really need the cookie, my hedonic eating habit does.  The Whole 30 has given me the conscious ability to change my habits.  It isn’t easy, but it works.

Week 3 Wrap-up

There are times I have wondered why in the hell I am doing this.  What is life going to look like after next Tuesday?  Will this be the way I always eat?  Will there be a piece of bread or cheese somewhere in my future?  What if after this, I lose all self-control and eat a tray of cupcakes, lose my will to keep being healthy and have to buy size 20 pants again?  This really hit me hard after watching an anniversary video my bosses kids had made her–inadvertently showing her weight loss up and downs throughout the years.  I want to get to one healthy weight and stay there for the rest of my life.  The thought of going backwards scares the shit out of me, but I’d also like to know that it will be okay to have the occasional margarita without freaking out.

This week was full of reflections and some frustrations.  I really want chocolate.  There is a part of me that wants to snack on some Rice Chex when I give Dean a little handful with his banana.  I want a cupcake.  I want to be able to run downstairs and grab a sandwich when I’m too lazy to bring my lunch.  See, these were all the things that got me where I was in the first place.  I’m not sure what all of these cravings and longings are for, but they have been awfully strong this week.  I’ve been able to overcome them, but still find myself frustrated.

I know that time is against me.  I need more of it.  I need time to cook meals, plan meals, grocery shop and to do the crazy amount of dishes that comes with this lifestyle.  I also need time to work so I can make more money, because this way of eating is not cheap.  I’ll just say it.  Paleo living is a very privileged lifestyle.  Did I mention the dishes?

Day 19 Reflections

Well, that four days just flew by.  It’s hard to believe that I am nearly two-thirds of the way to the end of this challenge.  Last night, a friend at derby was talking about paleo cookies.  I told her I couldn’t until my 30 days was up.  So, therein lies the strictness of what I am doing.  No sweats, no cheats, no treats.  Not even honey in my coffee.  Nothing.  No sugar in any form, except fruit.  Is it hard?  Absolutely.  Is it killing me?  No.  I’m not dead…yet.

I keep noticing how I want to keep sleeping when its time to wake up.  Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially hard when I’m still wound up from derby practice at 10 p.m.  I’m trying to go to bed by 11, but find it difficult when my mind is racing with all the crap I have to do.  I’m also pretty pressed for time to just take care of me.  I’d like to find five minutes to shave my legs, but often choose to do the sink full of dishes instead.  Forget painted toenails and getting my hair did.

Recently, I read the Gabriel Method, which really focuses on FAT programs and how to turn them off.  I need less stress in my life.  I need to sleep more.  I need to do what makes me happy.  More than anything, I need to let go.  I’m working on all of this.  I’m exercising outside of roller derby, trying to spend more time outdoors, and imagining being chased by a bear when I’m running to trigger my primal skinny programs.  I don’t know if any of that is working on top of the Whole 30, but my new smaller sized clothes are definitely fitting better.  Now if the stressful things in my life (i.e.: a job I’m not excited about, divorce, relocation, etc.) would just subside, I’d feel better about life.  I’m working hard to not let me down in spite of the days I feel like I need to breathe through a paper bag.

Tomorrow, I have a Weight Watchers meeting.  I’ve been weighing in, even though you aren’t supposed to weigh yourself during the Whole 30.  I think the reasoning behind this is because they want you to focus on how much you are eating and what your body is telling you instead of getting caught up in the mentality of losing weight.  I had already resolved how I was going to deal with this when I started the Whole 30.  My weight had plateaued and it was because I was consistently hungry and feeding myself the wrong kinds of foods.  Fake sugars, diet foods, etc.  The balance of whole foods during these last few weeks has created some balance in diet.  I don’t crave junk and the “rules” keep me from eating or wanting things I “can’t” have.

Oddly, enough, with the new way that WW Points Plus program works, you have a weekly topic where you focus on one aspect of your weight loss journey.  These topics have fit into each week I’ve been on the Whole 30.  This week’s topic was mindful eating.  Perfect, because that is really what it is all about.  You have to be mindful of your food, your body and how they form a relationship with each other.  Does the food you eat sustain you?  Are you eating because you are truly hungry?  Is the food you are giving your body nourishing it or poisoning it?

Just some stuff to chew on…

Day 15

Today marks the second half of my Whole 30.  I am still pretty excited.  I don’t know why people give up.  I don’t know why people cheat.  There really is nothing to lose in sticking to it.  There are things I wanted to put in my recap for week 2 that I forgot, so I’m going to go over them today.

1.  I have not been hungry outside of meals.  On days that I run, have derby practice or work out otherwise, I plan a snack and that has worked out wonderfully.  I’m also a big believer in refueling for recovery, so I’m mindful about mixing a carb such as a sweet potato with a small piece of chicken or having a banana with almonds and coconut creme.

2. I didn’t recognize any PMS symptoms before my cycle started.  I think my usual veracious hunger was fed by my Week 1 adjustment period, so I didn’t even realize that it was going to happen.  However, I bled heavy, had some cramping, but none of it was as bad as normal.  (Also, if this makes you uncomfortable to know about me, grow up dude, it happens to a little more than half of the population.)

3. My pants fit better and there are some that I just bought in a smaller size that are already a little too loose.  I know I’ve lost weight, but I’ve also lost inches.  It would be nice to come off of this at my current goal weight.

4.  I sleep really well.

5. This morning one of my co workers told me that my skin looked brighter.

This week, my goals are to continue being prepared, to eat mindfully, and a new one: eat dinner while sitting down with no distractions.

Food Additive Monday

Sulfites

Sulfites slow bacterial growth and prevent oxidation.  They are found in seafood, meats, vegetables and wine.  Side effects could include an allergic reaction, asthma attack, trouble breathing, and hives.  Allergists don’t know what causes or how much causes a reaction.

There are different kinds of sulfates in food, some more harmful than others.  I was curious about sulfates because I saw sodium bisulfite listed on a package of seaweed and wondered what it was.  When I googled it, pool chemicals and the like came up.  I think I will just abstain entirely, thank you very much.

 

Week 2 Summary

What a hectic week that was!  I felt like I was racing against time.  Working in higher education gives you these crazy deadlines and its much like being in school yourself.  On top of that, you have students freaking out because they left business undone until the last part of the semester, don’t have a place to live, don’t know what their summer is going to be like, or they are graduating and have conduct fines to pay off, etc.  Well, it’s over now and I spend the next couple of months closing out the 12-13 school year and preparing my office for the next school year.  On top of that, I am writing an SOP for my position to leave the next person, because I am moving back to Texas in early August to go to law school.

Days 12, 13 and 14 were good.  I was out of town on Saturday and Sunday.  Saturday was hectic, I went to my Weight Watchers meeting, got my tires checked, got gas and came up to load of the car for our derby game in Ann Arbor.  I also prepared by bringing a cooler of drinks and packing at least one meal (which I ended up eating for breakfast on Sunday.) We stopped and I got a salad with meat and drizzled olive oil and lemon juice over it, I ate a bunch of fruit before our game on Saturday night and went out to some fancy bistro and had salmon with a fennel salad and some asparagus with a poached egg.  It was all a very delicious way to celebrate getting an overall MVP award.

Sunday was Mother’s Day and I went out with friends to a seafood restaurant.  I had steak and scallops.  I was the pain in the ass who had to grill the waiter about what they used to cook things and had to send some offensive Parmesan coated vegetables back to the kitchen, but dammit, I’m sticking to this.

After lunch, I went over to Trader Joe’s and picked up some things for the week.  Grocery shopping isn’t challenging, but I’m trying to get rid of the food in my house because I know I’ll be moving in a couple of months, so I’m getting things out of my freezer and building around what I already have.  Also, I always need fresh food, which never goes to waste between me and the baby–who loves all of his fruits and veggies.

So far, so good.  The week was full of turning down celebratory food, watching people’s bad choices and not making any of these my own.  I know that if I want those things that I can have them, but if I really want them, they will all be there after thirty days is over.  No treats, no cheats and no do-overs…