Day 23!

Well, with math and all, I have seven more days to go!  My body still feels tired, my neck aches, and my cravings reappear at the oddest times.  I thought last week was a little willy-nilly with the preparedness, but this week is way worse.  I grilled some meat this weekend, but made no sides, no salads for lunches and I pared down the grocery shopping quite a bit due to money constraints.  I’m overwhelmed by the messiness of my house and the clingy-ness of a one year old who won’t let me clean because it means I have to pay attention to something other than him.  (If you know a single mother, offer to watch her kid at her house for a few hours to give her an opportunity to clean.)

Last night, I forced myself to put Dean in his stroller and go for a run.  I redid my half marathon training calendar yesterday and even though that program doesn’t start for a few weeks, I need to not let all the progress of the 5k I just did fall by the wayside, so at least 30 minutes twice a week with one long run is necessary for my later success.  I am doing a warm up and then running in five minute intervals with a one minute walk break.  This helps my knees, which still feel funny during all the impact.  A few weeks ago, running for five minutes at time felt like it was never going to happen, but its gotten easier, or at least more manageable.  My mile times have gotten lower, but I’d like to get down to a 10 minute mile average pace by the time the Houston half rolls around in October.  If I can get down to 12 while pushing Dean around, I will feel pretty awesome about life regardless.

I have been thinking a lot about what life will look like after my Whole 30 is over.  I know that I cannot live on plain iced coffee alone.  I need sugar.  Not a lot, but some.  I need bread.  Not everyday, but every once in a while.  I need chocolate.  At least once a week.  Definitely before my period, or I will rip someone’s head off.  I am going to keep all naughty foods out of the house and grocery shop as though I’m on a  Whole 313.  That means that I will allow myself a cheat day once a week—not one whole day, but one meal out–just one meal, not three.  I will calendar these ahead of time and they will not be fast food or junk food.  A trip to the cupcake place counts as one meal.  A trip to the ice cream shop counts as one meal.  I will eat clean for the rest of this day.  This will be manageable for me.  I can go to Mexican food and order paleo and really unless my nana comes back from the dead to make tamales or homemade tortillas, this is okay.  I don’t really like beans and rice anyways—but fajita and shredded beef with guacamole on top–delicious.

The more I think about this past 23 days, the more I realize that I CHOSE to get the way that I did.  I ate to keep people from getting close to me.  It was my defense mechanism.  It was my emotional crutch to be fat.  It gave me an excuse to not do things, to not be available and to be focused on things other than what I needed to actually be doing.  My weight loss commitment this year has been hard.  I have lost 41 lbs. since December 26 when I joined Weight Watchers.  I set a goal one day while looking at my little boy watch me eat a McDonald’s hamburger.  I thought, “I would never feed you this because its horrible for you” and then thought, “why the hell am I eating this?”  With that in mind, I continue to strive towards that goal and am on track to meet it.  Has the Whole 30 changed my life?  Probably not because as a fat person wanting to lose weight, I’ve read every diet book on the market and actually knew what the “forbidden foods” did to my body.  What it has done is focus my energy on eating whole, non-processed foods mindfully without the distractions of cheats and treats.  Not having the allowance to substitute a paleo cookie for a non-paleo cookie has made me question my body’s need for the cookie in the first place.  The answer is clear, my body doesn’t really need the cookie, my hedonic eating habit does.  The Whole 30 has given me the conscious ability to change my habits.  It isn’t easy, but it works.

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