There are times I have wondered why in the hell I am doing this. What is life going to look like after next Tuesday? Will this be the way I always eat? Will there be a piece of bread or cheese somewhere in my future? What if after this, I lose all self-control and eat a tray of cupcakes, lose my will to keep being healthy and have to buy size 20 pants again? This really hit me hard after watching an anniversary video my bosses kids had made her–inadvertently showing her weight loss up and downs throughout the years. I want to get to one healthy weight and stay there for the rest of my life. The thought of going backwards scares the shit out of me, but I’d also like to know that it will be okay to have the occasional margarita without freaking out.
This week was full of reflections and some frustrations. I really want chocolate. There is a part of me that wants to snack on some Rice Chex when I give Dean a little handful with his banana. I want a cupcake. I want to be able to run downstairs and grab a sandwich when I’m too lazy to bring my lunch. See, these were all the things that got me where I was in the first place. I’m not sure what all of these cravings and longings are for, but they have been awfully strong this week. I’ve been able to overcome them, but still find myself frustrated.
I know that time is against me. I need more of it. I need time to cook meals, plan meals, grocery shop and to do the crazy amount of dishes that comes with this lifestyle. I also need time to work so I can make more money, because this way of eating is not cheap. I’ll just say it. Paleo living is a very privileged lifestyle. Did I mention the dishes?